


All good witchers deserve...

by Finikyfaefinwe



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Cinnamon Roll Jaskier | Dandelion, Crack, Food, Food Kink, Humor, M/M, akward
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:02:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22446091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finikyfaefinwe/pseuds/Finikyfaefinwe
Summary: After spending time on the road with a witcher to Jaskier everything is normal. What he sees is beyond normal.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 5
Kudos: 69





	All good witchers deserve...

Jaskier stood in the door way, hand on the door latch mouth slightly agape. He was surprised at the sight before him, anything else could seem more normal in comparison. If there was a 3 breasted bloedzuiger prostitute in a bright pink corset that would be bloody normal.  
Geralt had shown him a great many things in the world that made things outlandish seem normal. Speaking of whom if Geralt had been doing anything else Jaskier would deem it normal. Even if Geralt with the bloedzuiger prostitute with 3 breasts with the bright pink corset were doing the most filthiest of things the poor bard could find it more compressible. After all witchers were simple and are hardly surprising once you got used to them. After all if it was not monsters they were killing, it was coin, if it was not coin it was food, women, ale or all the above. What he did see was shocking,

Geralt laid on the bed only in his black under shirt, nearly all the buttons open revealing his well shaped chest. The witchers vibrant yellow eyes wide open in surprise, as if he had just been caught with his hand in a cookie jar.  
Well not quite cookie jar more like a cheap box of chocolates, which were laying half opened beside him on the soft bed. In his big hands held a small novel with fancy lettering on the cover.  
“Fuck off Jaskier” came a low thunder from Geralt.  
“Now that is not very nice” Jaskier put his hands onto his hips and tilted his head to the side. “What are you reading anyway?”  
“None of your fucking business is what it is”  
“is that a romance novel?”  
Another deep growl came from the witcher.  
“Where did you get a romance novel?” quizzed the bard. The answer received was the said novel being briefly gifted with flight, but not really as gravity and physics dictate that novels can not really fly and as the great witch Izac Newt will one day say an object will remain in a state of motion unless an external force acts on it. That was until they burnt Izac at the stake. The world will become an even more scarier place in the future.  
In layman terms Jaskier not possessing the skills of a witcher was hit in the head with the novel. The corner hitting him right in the forehead with a very strong thud and crack. He pitched forward holding his head, he thunk he might have broken his head worse then before. “ouch. Fuck. what the fuck Geralt” screamed the bard in pain. The novel fell on the floor with a bounce. It was relatively unharmed in the making of this witcher experiment. 

A thumping came from below the floor “Keep it down up there or ill throw you out on your arse, your not too big for me you mutant freak and pancy boy. Your not my only guests ya know” came the voice of the owner of this fine establishment from downstairs. Well not really fine there was bed bugs, and Jaskier swore he saw an imp earlier. Shit hole, that was the world Jaskier was meaning to use. Surprisingly the shit hole had one nice bed made of feathers, which Geralt was salaciously laying on.  
The bard stumbled in through the door, kicking it closed behind him to give them privacy. He glanced down at the book before fetching it “hmm the 'Elf on the Lady's Shelf'” commented the Bard with the 'not bad look' on his face as he crossed the room. 

In revenge for being part of the great witcher physics experiment he decided to be a bit more annoying then ever. He unceremonious sat down beside the huge witcher, getting a bit too close to Geralts bubble then he normally got. Geralt had a bubble that he did not like people in, especially annoying bards who followed him everywhere for no reason. Geralt had decided long ago the reason the bard followed him everywhere was because the bard was either really stupid from being dropped on his head as a baby, or from having a family like a sandwich. In other words nobles were inbred. Jaskier was a noble whom was possibly a bit suicidal or a masochist or a suicidal masochistic inbred noble who was always in his bubble. 

Jaskier felt the witcher shift next to him, the motion caught his eye as he looked over. He could see the witcher shifting his shirt in a vain attempt to hide his his enormous genitalia. Of course because of his blessed size this was comically a vain attempt. He could see the little one eyed wolf playing a game of peek a boo from under the shirt. The witchers other eyes, the very bright yellow ones stared straight ahead no emotion in them.  
Jaskier had a twinkle of mischief in his eyes, he flipped through the book to a random page and began to read out loud.  
“the maid giggled as he touched her tittys, he liked touchiny tttys, tittys were fun to touch. He liked the bouncyness. The maid then said 'oh what fun'” the bard read, even putting on a false femine falsetto for the maids words “I know what else you can boonce on” the bards voice now turned to a deep husky imitation inspired by his witcher friend who was by now shifting uncomfortably beside him, gritting his teeth. Jaskier could swear that the pale sallow of his face had a tinge of pink to it.  
“you can boonce on my giant....'HEY!” the book was ripped viciously from his hands. Jaskier spun his head towards Geralt who was now clutching the novel to his chest “what part of fuck off don't you understand” growled the witcher.  
“Oh come on Geralt” the bard threw up his hands in a wide gesture. The witcher gave him a glare that was mostly reserved for something he was about the kill, the bard being very used to this look paid no heed since for some reason that little voice that tells you don't do that you can die was never developed in him as a child. Jaskier pouting adverted his gaze onto something a bit more delicious, which started with a C. 

Chocolate, Jaskier adverted his eyes to what was the half eaten box of chocolates. “Can I have one?” he asked reaching over across the witcher. A hand snapped out like a snake slapping away the offensive appendage.  
“NO!” bellowed Geralt.  
“Oh come on Geralt don't be greedy, you always say you never want anything”  
Geralt grabbed the box of chocolates holding it out reach, which was very easy considering how big he was in comparison to the bard.  
“No it is my treat for being a good witcher” whined Geralt.  
Jaskier sprung back in surprise his mouth agape, he could not believe how the mighty Geralt of Rivia was acting right now.  
“Geralt?” asked Jaskier in a confused voice, one eyebrow raised. “That novel and chocolates seem..”  
“Not manly? Like I am a pussy for liking what a 14 year old girl likes. How I should be ashamed for emasculating myself by allowing myself to enjoy but a small comfort in my life” spat out Geralt in his baratone voice looking down almost ashamed.  
“What! Heavens no I was not going to suggest it. I was going to say normal, I am very happy you my friend have something normal about you”  
Geralt looked up to he bard who was giving him a small smile.  
“Its fine to like things, that does not mean you are any less of anything. Why would you think that?”  
“Just.. ..” the witcher started  
“Just?” Jaskier tilted his head to the side.  
“When people see me reading these they don't take me as serious” Geralt then changed his voice in an odd impression “Oh look the big bad witcher. He eats chocolate and reads romance is that not funny lets just laugh at him” Geralt was decidedly not good at impressions.  
“But I am not the only witcher that does it. All good witchers deserve something nice that is not tits and beer. And it is not always about the tits and beer, don't get me wrong Jaskier I love beer and tits, and sometimes a salacious huge”  
“ahh Geralt we are close but that's too much info” spurted out the bard, whom felt a small tinge of something in himself. A flush went to his cheeks.  
“Pie.. .. I was going to say pie what did you think i was going to say?” Geralts eyes narrowed as he gestured a what.  
“Ahh” Jaskiers eyes went wide. “Never mind you were saying”  
“but sometimes I like to just relaxing in a big feather bed with a good novel and some sweets is that so wrong” huffed out Geralt.  
Jaskier beamed at him he felt a small feather on his heart as he finally had his best friend in the world forever open up and reveal a tiny parcel of himself.  
“Why are you looking at me like that?” asked the wticher confused, since few in the world ever beamed at him. A lot glared at him, some vomited, a few girls giggled, but never beamed. It confused Geralt, Geralt did not like being confused. Witchers were truly simple.  
“Geralt I am going to help you. I Julian Alfred Pankratz, Viscount de Lettenhove will help you Geralt the mighty witcher of Rivia with his hobby”  
“Please don't'” came a foreign tone of dread from Geralt.  
“Come on Geralt how are you even getting these novels up to now? Kicking in a book store and intimidating the book seller. That is probably why you have the worse written novel around since one shade of grey came out, poor bastard probably handed you one out of fear”  
“That is not who I get these books”  
The bard quirked an eyebrow in curiosity “how?”  
“Hmm”  
“How Geralt?”  
The witcher's face tensed, he gestured, opened his mouth, closed it again and swallowed.  
“You didn’t steal it did you?” inquirer Jaskier in horror. Without a response Jaskier could only assume.  
“Holy fuck you stole the book and chocolates”  
“Fuck no” growled back Geralt. Let it be noted to the most humblest of bards that assume does make an ass out of you and me.  
“Then how?” asked the bard.  
“Hmm.. . .I bribe.. I bribe girls with coin to go into the book sellers for me, and ask for romance novels. I then get them to go to chocolate sellers with the promise if they buy two they can keep one... this is not fucking funny bard”  
Jaskier was laughing heartily holding his sides. Tears were starting to stream down his face, as he pictured in his head what might conspire. 

Imagine if you will a witcher built like a wall in a keep, covered in years worth of battle scars, dressed darkily, two swords on his back, and a grim face that he must have been born with as Jaskier could only imagine.  
Once even Jaskier imagied the baby Geralt being born with white hair, gold eyes, and a grim look on a very chiseled chin “Its a.. .. witcher” would come the voice of a very concerned midwife as the parents look on in horror holding a tiny witcher known as Geralt.  
That image is not what is to be imagined here, however Jaskier's mind always ran way, but getting back to the first image.  
Geralt the butcher of Blaviken walking up to a group of teenage girls. Some might be afraid, maybe one might be a bit curious and whisper to her friends who giggle in response as teenage girls do in their way as they start to explore their new found self. Geralt who look down upon them before doing that thing he did. Geralt did have an odd charm about him which he could switch on when he wanted to. It surprised Jaskier sometimes how he would have to serenade and flirt to the point of exhaustion, while Geralt just had to smile a bit and say two words hmm” and “fuck” then get a skirt to lift up for him. Jaskier assumes its because some women like the bad boy, that or a quick fuck without the trouble of possibly getting knocked up. Which Jaskier could only note is a good thing, otherwise you would be able to track a witcher on how many pregnant ladies had white haired children along a road.  
Jaskier continued to picture the deal going down between witcher and girls. The witcher would give his small handsome smile “Good afternoon” Jaskier could imagine him saying in his gruff voice. “Can you girls please do me a favour”  
A pudgy girl would giggle “Depends on what it is witcher” she would bat her eye lashes. “I wonder if you could procure something for me”  
“Oh” would inquirer the girl her face cocked in curiosity.  
“The book seller over there. Go in and tell him you want the latest romance book, and I will give you 5 coins”  
The girl would look crest fallen having been rejected, Geralt would lean in a bit flashing his teeth as he would tilt his head and say “Please” gently.  
And like that the girls would trip over themselves as they all would race into the book seller to be the first one to get the sexy witcher a book. After the little troupe would return Geralt would smile again giving a another teensy request that they march down to the sweet maker, and buy him 2 boxes of chocolates, one of which they could keep. Once they returned with the final item in the side quest Geralt would thank the girls kindly, and with a final smile depart. In his wake leaving broken hearts once again. The one pudgy girl would tug at the witchers sleeve smiling with twinkling eyes as she had seen her older sister do to the farmers boy. Geralt would give a very firm rejection though, she is too young for him, and he has no interest in bedding a child, but thank you very much for the sweets and novels. Jaskier stopped laughing at that point since even to him that last part seemed a little bit creepy to everyone in the room. Well not everyone thankfully witchers cant read minds, and if they could Geralt probably would have a constant headache from what goes through Jaskiers imagination on a daily basis.

A small smack came to Jaskiers leg. “Oww, stop beating me” winced the bard, rubbing the stinging skin.  
“What goes through your mind” grouched the witcher.  
“You as a child”  
“What?”  
“What?” mimed the bard “anyways as i said my dear friend..”  
“Your not my friend” interrupted the witcher.  
“My dear friend I will find books for you, more delightfully filled with more vivid images as you can only imagine of beautiful fulled breasted nymph princess locked in towers being saved by knights in shining armour from evil sorcerers in towers being guarded by dragons” Jaskier gave a flourish of his hand as he stared off in to space for dramatic effect. His arm snaked around Gerlats shoulder, further into the bubble, and making the witcher more uncomfortable.  
“Is there such a book?” inquired Geralt trying to shift away form the bards delicate hands who were defiantly in Geralts bubble.  
“No, but you get the gist” Jaskier said turning back to the white haired wolf.  
There was a small pause between them. The witcher inhaled and searched Jaskier trying to find any malice in him or to see if this was a trick of some sort. When none was found his mouth gave a small tinge of a smile.  
“Thank you Jaskier” he said softly.  
“You are welcome my friend” smiled back the young bard.  
“Now give me a chocolate” Jaskier proclaimed reaching for the box that had been settled back onto the bed since Geralt let his guard down for a second. Geralt decided right there and then never to let his guard down again around Jaskier when his sweet witcher treats were involved. Geralt once again with held the box from Jaskier, whom in turned started to lean further over the witcher. Geralt started to scoot away farther on the bed, making sure that the sweet treat was far away from the grabby hands. “Oh come on just one, your gonna get fat if you eat them all” whined Jaskier.  
They now were on the edge of the bed, Geralt brought up his knee into the bards chest in an attempt to keep his not friend farther from the box.  
“Give it to me”  
“NO”  
“Give it to me”  
“NO”  
“Stop being a bitch and give it to me” 

Suddenly the door was kicked in, as a sweaty pocked mark stood in the doorway his beard bristling broom held in his hand as if a lance.  
He looked to Jaskier, then to Geralt and back again. A look of concerned crossed his features.  
“Is this man taking advantage of you?” asked the inn keeper slowly.  
“What?” asked jaskier confused  
“I wasn’t asking ya ... Witcher is he taking advantage of ya... No means no, you know” he growled the last part to Jaskier  
“Uhhh..” the sound came out of Jaskiers opened mouth he followed the mans concerned gaze to Geralt. The witcher. Geralt the half naked witcher, whom was currently pinned under him with his knee angled at his chest, whom was just screaming no no no, over and over again, Jasiers face went red as he just realized what had occurred in the minds of possibly everyone down the stairs.  
Geralt decided to take Jaskiers moment of thought to flex his leg so his foot was firmly on the bards chest before booting the bard off of him, and across the room. Jaskier hit the floor with a thud. “Oww fuck” cried the bard. 

“No problems” said the witcher as he sat up on the bed pulling his shirt back in a vain attempt to cover Geralt junior again.  
The inn keeper gave a long pregnant pause “Alright then” he said as he grabbed the door handle. Once more he turned to Jaskier “If he does give ya trouble” started the inn keeper.  
Geralt smiled at him “I am sorry for troubling you already, I promise no more trouble will come from us tonite". The inn keeper stood rigged before he smiled back. “Alright then” he said as he backed out closing the door behind him.  
Jaskiers eyebrows knitted together “Did you just give him the charming fuck me smile?” he asked slightly offended.  
“Hmm” the witcher said shifting back to the bed and opening back his book.  
“What does that hmm mean?” The bard slowly stood with a grimace at the new pain in his backside, which only added to the pain in his head “Why would you give a man a sexy fuck me smile, you only give women the sexy fuck me smile”  
“That you know of” grouched out Geralt. Jaskier was taken a back at first, then a little bit hope spread in him.  
He grinned as he skipped to the bed.  
“Soo... . .you like guys too?” he crouched down, his hands both gently touching the edge of the bed.  
“Hmm”  
“Soo do you wanna....” Jaskier smiled doing a small nod of his head.  
“Fuck off bard”  
“You should fuck on your bard it gets better results” 

Jaskier was practically beaming the next day as he walked proudly out of town. Odd looks followed him from those who were at the tavern last night, having heard his latest duet with the witcher. Geralt beside him walked funny unable to ride roach. Something had to be said about a Bards instrument, and how well they could play it.  
In the next town over Geralt had come back after the end of a long and hollowing hunt. At the inn sitting on the bed was a new book, and box. He picked up the book and read the title “The Lioness, and the Witcher in the wardrobe, by A. Dandylion”. He thumbed through the book impressed at how well it was written. Setting the book aside he opened the box and inhaled deeply at the scent. It was a box with half a dozen freshly baked cream puffs. He smiled and noticed there was a note. Carefully he picked it up and read it. 

“as promised my little wolfie, a new novel and a box of delicious sweets, please enjoy them both”  
Geralt read on, the smile fell on his face as he read the last part of the note.  
“PS sorry for destroying your ass”

“JASKIER YOU LITTLE SHIT” came a bellow that shook the entire village.


End file.
